i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
