I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
