Soap is not a condiment
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
