I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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