Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
