If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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