I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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