Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
