i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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