sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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