So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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