He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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