Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
i need some magic done to my vagina
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
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