Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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