I cannot find my penis.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
