I want you more than these girls want KFC
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
