He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
