Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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