you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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