I just cut my nipple shaving
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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