I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
