you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
