I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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