I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
