I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
