the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
