Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize
