I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
