Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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