In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
