so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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