it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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