Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Randomize
