so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Never let your siblings swipe right.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
