My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
