Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
