My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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