what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
