I think I died a long time ago.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
