I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
