She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
My dick has a subreddit
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
