Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
But break dance skills will only take you so far
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
