1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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