I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
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