but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
