We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
