I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
