How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
