do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
