i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
