hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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