he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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